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2016 Fall Season

...And here we go again, as the sands of time slowly empty into the bottom of the yearly hourglass, we're trying to decide if we should make this resolution or that, or even trying to come to terms with our ability (or inability) to make and keep resolutions at all. We're a funny species - mankind. For the life of us, we have the best of intentions in mind when we solemnly promise ourselves to do this or that, or not to do this or that. But - so very often - we fail to live up to the task. We've compiled a list of what we think are great resolution funnies, mostly found on the World Wide Web. We'd like to give credit to the original authors, but we found most of these resolutions on so many sites without credit being offered that we aren't sure who first came up with these comical thoughts and ideas.
Top New Year's Resolutions Here are this year's most popular New Year's Resolutions.....or not. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom. Before I criticize a man, I will walk a mile in this shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot. I will no longer waste my time relieving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future. Do my taxes......for 2010..opps! Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing. Never send e-mail while I'm drinking, especially since those guys at the Pentagon seem to have no sense of humor. Find out why that correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up. I have been doing a lot of reading about the hazards of chocolate. For my New Year's resolution, I am quitting it totally. 100%. Completely. That's right, starting next week absolutely no more reading! New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies... I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe... I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support." When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. I will think of a password other than "password." I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
Resolutions You Can Actually Keep... Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-) 10. Read less. 9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 8. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 6. Procrastinate more. 5. Drink. Drink some more. 4. Start being superstitious. 3. Spend more time at work. 2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. and last but not least... 1. Take up a new habit: Maybe smoking!